NOT A WIDOW'S HANDBOOK

Widowhood, from the perspective of a Domestic Violence Surviving Widow

  • Ludwine Johnson

I'm not hurting, you're hurting!

Updated: Jan 4

To know me is to know that my coping mechanism is to compartmentalize.

Because there was a time that my feelings ran my life - I've learned to "accept the things I could not control"

Because I can always control at which time I wake up, whether or not I'll take a shower today and the amount of value and esteem I have for myself.

Things I couldn't control... well, they live in a compartment where I don't go. It's packed away in a dark attic.

So I try and spend more time with my logic and my common sense. I nurse my self assurance and my strength of conviction back to life.

Sure enough, I start feeling invincible and my world is comprised of big great things I can control. I look into my heart and there they are all my compartments.

With things that bless me & things I've achieved at the forefront. I got a trophy wall for the people that have impacted my life in a positive manner and for the people whose lives I've changed.

I'm thankful... it's blissful!

Until my biggest antagonist emerges... Loss... it swoops in and it messes up my entire system.

Urgh, I HAD A SYSTEM!

And each time we go into war, loss and myself, I'm always so close to losing that first battle. Anger shows up, confusion, despair, disillusion of course. . .

And I say, "but I know better" .. because I do & it's the key to grief.

I live in that compartment, but it's not dark and sad. It's challenging when loss comes-a-knocking ... but it's full of enough memories to light up any day.

It's full of remembered kindness, full of promise of love, of forgiveness. It's commemorative and it's motivating.

Because I owe to lost love to continue to live worthy of what I've lost so that it may live on in me...

Thank you for all of the moments you've made my soul glow.

In memory of all the people who've left us too soon - We Love You!




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Lu Johnson | United States

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