Widowhood, from the perspective of a Domestic Violence Surviving Widow

  • Ludwine Johnson

Mourning Hymns

I know my community and beyond is enraged and grieving today.

May 27th 2020

Mostly I'm grieving that American Dream feeling that I had when we first moved to the US.

I remember my cousins back home were so "jealous", just envious of a reality they did not know & I wish they don't have to experience.

Being different isn't a new concept for me.

I wish so much that we saw the change we want in the world.

"be the change you wish to see in the world"

I've been contemplating the "cowardly" thought of becoming a mom in a place where I never have to tell my son why some people believe the color of our skin is wrong, threatening, repulsive or has no value.

Last night my really good friend and I started talking about race and he asked me: "Why would it surprise you that she (of a black woman with features resembling mine - strong and defined) would be considered desirable. In the context of interracial couples represented in entertainment.

Then today I'm watching the world mourn someone who we watched life leave from his body as he begged another human to remove their knee from their neck

I have so much to add to my answer from last night, but right now I'm just trying to made sense of what I saw and how it felt and how powerless it's left me.

Right now I'm stuck at step one of my self intimacy accountability checklist.

Vibe Check - & Repeat

Vibe Check - & Repeat

The next step is to seek the truth... But the truth is too painful so.

Vibe Check - & Repeat If you're a parent who's had to hold on to their son or daughter closer this morning God bless you! If you're a spouse who's had to hold on to your lover closer this morning God bless you!

What a week it's been! I've tried to do the Godly thing and forgive you Amy Cooper, but as much as I try.

There's this part inside of me that's enraged and scared of women like you and the children they get the opportunity to raise.

I know that God is able.

BUT - this but is completely unrelated to the power of God in our lives and completely 100% a flesh response.

My skin crawls at the idea that I have to love you too among all of God's creation. Today is the kind of day of mourning that shakes my faith and brings me closer to it all in the same breath. May we all go in love today in spite of fear.

May God take over my spirit and move me away from my feelings. May I find the meekness it requires to go on emotionally.